


Fire

by nushiewrites



Category: Sanders Sides
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety angst, Crying, Gen, Insecurity, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Swearing, the canon divergence is basically just a replacement for accepting anxiety one and two
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2018-10-17 22:24:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10603497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nushiewrites/pseuds/nushiewrites
Summary: Anxiety cracks, he can't take it anymore, he can't be a disappointment anymoreWhat happens if Accepting Anxiety 1 & 2 never happened.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [read it on tumblr](https://the-sanders-sides.tumblr.com/tagged/fire)
> 
>  
> 
> Username change from my_emo_shipper_soul to nushiewrites

“Roman, you hate me and I hate you. But I think I hate myself more, so I win.” Anxiety spoke as he stalked off to his room. They were having another one of their fighting matches. It started with Princey making some comment on how Anxiety is ruining Thomas’s happiness, and it escalated from there.

Getting yelled at by Roman was never fun. Getting yelled at in general wasn’t fun. It’s the same with getting lectured. Anxiety didn’t need to be told how much of a disappointment he was, he already knew. His thoughts would hiss it at him wherever he went. Reminders just made those ~~monsters~~ _negative thoughts_ more violent. It was the fuel to their fire.

So after a bad battle with the royal, Anxiety was crumbling. And he needed to get to privacy, so he could crumble in peace. So he spoke those words to Roman and promptly teleported out of Thomas’s living room and into his room. He triple checked that the door was lock before he let himself fall apart. He put his back to the wall and banged his head against it until the throbbing pain of it became too much. He slid down the wall until he was sitting and brought his knees to his chest.   _Stuppid fucking waste of space. He’s right, the fucking prince is right!_ Prince’s words rang in Anxiety’s ears, “You really need to change your attitude if you want Thomas to be happier.” They weren’t so bad, but he used one of those cognitive distortions Logan talked about, and it became so much worse. _Everything I do huuurts him. I-I  I can’t go on this way. I need to stop being such a damn disappointment. I need to shape up. I’m nothing, I’m worthless, I’m wretched, I’m an lousy excuse for a persona that does what the opposite of what one should do. I don’t help Thomas or protect him. I FUCKING HURT HIM_. _And now what the hell am I doing? Feeling sorry for myself, when I’m the problem?_ Anxiety felt the first droplets of rainstorm of tears flow down his face. _Better get this makeup off before it runs and stains everything… Don’t wanna ruin anything else._ Anxiety wiped his eyes and got up with a sigh. He walked over to the adjoining bathroom and lit a candle there. Any other form of light would’ve been too bright for his darkened mind.

Anxiety slowly took a makeup wipe and rubbed the white foundation and black eye shadow off his face. He threw the wipe away and tiredly looked at himself. _How pathetic, I’m sitting here crying when I-_ Anxiety fell back onto the floor and covered his ears and closed his eyes to try and block out his horrid thoughts. “I can’t be a disspointment anymore! I have to change! I have to change everything!” And now he began to sob. He shook his head, as if to say, ‘No, negative thoughts, go away’. “I-I hhave to be better. I ccan be better. I won’t be a disappointment to Dad anymore.” _~~How?~~_ “I-I ccan bbe more positive, wwear tthings that aren’t black, tthat’s wwhat Dad llikes.” _~~Positivity is what your ‘friend’ Logan doesn’t like.~~_ “Then then I’ll, I ccan be not suuper positive. I’ll bbe positive enough tto appease Dad, bbut nnott so much to bother Logan. And I ccan be smarter tttoo. I’ll ttake his debates mmore seriously.” _~~And what about your fellow Roman?~~ _ “W-Well for Roman, I-I ccan bbe more helpful tto Thomas. And hey, tthat takes care of Thomas too.” Anxiety let out a bitter laugh, “Two birds wwith one stone.”

Somewhere in the back of Anxiety’s mind a thought was being choked and muffled by the negative ones. It longed to be heard, but it could only whisper: _And what about yourself? What can you do to make yourself happy?_ Anxiety didn’t hear it, nor did he feel it. He was too busy trying to catch his breath as he drowned in an ocean of despair. Anxiety opened his eyes again. He saw the candle sitting on the bathroom counter. His mind drifted to a memory, when Logan made him watch crash course to learn something, he watched the psychology videos. One of them was talking about depression, and the narrator started talking about self-harm. _“Some people self-harm because the physical pain is easier to handle than the emotional pain.”_ Anxiety continued to stare at the candle.

The monsters in his mind were cackling joyously, _~~Do iiitttt. You’ll loovvve iiiiit. It’lll maaaake yooouuuu betterrrrr. Youuuu can get the emotionaaaal paaaiiin out aaand staaaart being betterrrr to everyooonnneee.~~_ Anxiety listened to his minds instructions. He stood up and rolled his sleeve. He placed his arm to the candle and let it burn ~~, baby, burn!~~ Anxiety watched as the skin around the flame tingled, and an odor wafted reminding him of burning rubber. He loved it, He loved the burn, He loved the adrenaline rush he got from doing it, He loved the feeling of control, _He loved the pain_.

**_The other three facets, wherever they were, looked at their arms and wondered, Why is it aching?_ **


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anxiety meets with the other sides.

Anxiety widened his eyes and stumbled backward from the candle. _Oh god, what the hell am I doing? If they find out, they’re going to be even more disappointed than before._ He was thinking faster than the speed of light. _Oh no OhNo OhFuckingHellGodNo ICan’t ICan’tEverDoThisAgain They’llBeSoMadAndDissapointedAndDISSAPOINTED THEY/CAN/BE/MAD/AT/ME/BUT_ His eye twitched _being a disappointment...is the worst thing in the world. It’s so much worse. It’s failing. It’sFailingEverythingTheyExpectedAndThoughtOfMe I’veLetThemDownBeforeButThisWillBeANewLow!_ He closed his eyes. “J-just breathe Anxiety. Just breathe, in and out. They don’t have to know. They’ll never know. A-and that’s the good part of being a facet! I can’t get physically damaged, no scars will form! They’ll never be able to find out, and if I stop now it’ll slip into my forgotten moments.” Anxiety started with a small laugh filled with nervous bitterness and it grew, and it grEW, AND IT GREW. It kept getting stronger until he fell on the floor clutching his stomach with maniacal eyes and hysterical laughter that couldn’t stop and wouldn’t stop. Laughter was all he had, he was empty and hollow and nothing. The laughter of the broken is what he was emitting, and while it was dark and unnerving, at least it was something, something to do to completely extinguish the fire from Anxiety’s deteriorating psyche, even if it was only then.

\--

18 hours had passed before Anxiety left his room. After his hysteria, he collapsed and passed out on the bathroom floor. He woke up 16 hours later. After clearing his head that morning or night or afternoon or whatever, (Anxiety never opened his curtains) Anxiety realized that the others would find out. He had forgotten that when one of them is hurt physically, they all feel a foggy version of the pain. So Anxiety had sat on his bed with his legs dangling off the edge and his head in his hands contemplating everything that had happened. The others probably figured out it was Anxiety who was hurt already. _So wwhy haven’t they come looking for me? Why hhaven’t they checked up on me? ~~You piece of shit, you know it already, they HATE you.~~ Yeah,. I haven’t done anything to change yet anyway. _ Then Anxiety wondered what he would do if they ever did ask. He needed an excuse a good one! _I fell? No, that isn’t good enough for them. I fell and landed on my arm? I need to beef it up some more.I fell. I fell in the bathroom where there was a candle lit. I had my sleeves rolled up because I had just washed my hands, so when I fell, I landed on my arm and my arm landed in the fire._ Anxiety was thankful Thomas was such an excellent actor, for he wouldn’t have to worry about not putting on a good enough performance to make the story believable.

A knock on his door made Anxiety break out of whatever thinking trance he had been. Anxiety took a sharp intake of breath and got up. He apprehensively opened the door and saw that Morality had a tripped right outside Anxiety’s room.

“Heya, kiddo!” Morality beamed, “Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to knock; my hand just fell against the door as I fell.”

 _So he wasn’t even thinking of me…_ Anxiety put on a fake smile for Morality. He **had** to be positive. “Oh it’s fine! I was just coming out of my room to get a bite to eat!”

“Oh, awesome! Logan, Roman, and I were just about to have dinner. You can join us if you would like to.”

 _They weren’t going to invite me, this is an accident, he doesn’t want me around…_ “Yes I would love to! Do you want to walk together?”

“Sure pal! You know, your attitude is really nice today!”

 _Good, it’s working. ~~So they do hate normal you.~~ _ Anxiety chuckled, “Why thank you!”

\--

When Morality and Anxiety met Roman and Logan in the kitchen, Roman didn’t bother to look at Anxiety, and if he had to look in Anxiety’s direction, he would look through Anxiety and pretend Anxiety didn’t exist. Logan stopped eating and spoke with a hint of disdain ( _Of course the friendship was a ruse_ ), “Oh, so you brought Anxiety back from the bathroom. Well that’s good, because I’ve been meaning to ask what happened to Anxiety’s arm if the three of us felt the pain and none of us were the source.” Anxiety relayed the whole story, faking facial expressions and voice intonations that he would’ve made if it actually happened to him. Logan gave a sharp nod to Anxiety and continued his meal. Morality talked next, “Bud, we’re having ravioli for dinner tonight! Feel free to take however much you like. Serve yourself!” This was… slightly unlike Morality. Morality always served everyone. _Had the argument from the other day really done this much damage?_ _But Morality was being nice in the hallway?_  Anxiety ignored the thought and cast it aside for his negativity to feed on later. For now, he needed to be as positive as possible while he ate. When Anxiety sat down, Morality started making dad jokes. Roman and Anxiety would laugh and Logan would argue for the absurdity of them. Roman and Morality would start to have small talk, and Anxiety would pipe in only for Roman to ignore him and Morality to respond and quickly change the topic as to avoid speaking with Anxiety. There was no doubt that it was a long night.

When Anxiety got back to solitude in his room, he felt like he could finally breathe again and let out a sigh. He dropped his façade and locked the door and sunk to the floor. He mumbled, “Don’t think, don’t start thinking about it, don’t start overanalyzing, don’t do it idiot.” Anxiety did it. _They hate me, they hate me, they hate me ugh! ~~Well of course silly! Of course they hate you! It’s not like they ever liked you to begin with.~~ I know, but this time I was positive, I was really trying my hardest to be positive. I want them to like me. I want them to treat me like an equal. Why do they have to hate me so much? _ Similar to before, tears started to fall, but this time Anxiety didn’t go the bathroom. He was too afraid to go there and go near the candle again. The temptation would lure him in. And if he did **it** again, they would feel it, and he would have a less believable story. _~~They hate you so so so much. They wouldn’t care at all about the story. They wouldn’t care that you’re trying to be better, they’ve already made their decision about you.~~_

Anxiety whisper-yelled, “No they haven’t!” And he followed up with a cracking voice, “I st-ill have a ch-ance.” _~~Everything that you’re saying is just lies, lies, lies, lies, lies. WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN? THEY HATE YOU AND IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU DO! Now go do **it** again, you know you waaaaant tooooo. You know you haaaaave tooooo. It’s allll that youuuu’ll ever haaave, and it’s alllll that youuu’ll eeeever neeeeeeeddd.~~ I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! Not if I want a chance. ~~YOU’LL NEVER HAVE A CHANCE. Now, have trust in negativity, and dooo iiit.~~_ ~~~~

**_The smell resembling rubber filled the air once more._ **


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into Anxiety’s Destitute Mind

Behind a locked door, there was peace. Peace not in his mind, but in the solitude. No side eyed glances or cruel mockery. No one was there to haunt him but himself. Behind a locked door he had the freedom to do what he wanted and that’s what he’d do, he’d stay behind his locked door **forever**. The only problem would be food; he would need to go out in the dead of night to get some when he needed it. He would have to eventually, but **not today**. Not after that dinner where the vicious breaking of any semblance of happiness and confidence took place. Not now when all he wanted to was set himself on fire. He was on his bed rocking himself back and forth, laughing nervously _. If I set myself on fire they would know they would know **they would know** and what would they do? Completely cast me out probably. Logan would yell at me for not learning anything from the psychology videos, _ which told him in his memories how bad this was _how bad this was **how bad this was**. _ He needed to stop _to stop **to stop** but it felt so so so so good so good **so good.**_

He had something in the fire, a friend in the fire, the fire was the only thing he could trust. It kept his secrets safe, and it was all who could comfort him. The fire was his only friend, and it tried its best to help Anxiety like it helped all of humanity in ancient times. It tried to help Anxiety as it unknowingly hurt him, but who cared!! As long as he had something…

So he rocked on the bed back and forth back and forth **back and forth** for who the hell knows how long, and he was fine he was fine **he was fine** as long as he didn’t need to go outside and see those assholes once again. _Thomas’s videos._ “Screw Thomas’s videos!” _He can summon you._ “Yeah and I’ll just sink right back down, he doesn’t want me anyway, he may sound like he knows I’m more than making him feel bad, but EVERYONE LEAVES! LOGAN LEFT, SO WHY THE HELL WOULDN’T HE?”.

He was seething. He was crying. He was empty. He was void. He was heartless to them. He only caused Thomas pain and suffering. He only caused pain to all of them with his fucking PYROMANIA. He hurt them all of them but they don’t care about him! They’ll just ignore it like they ignore him and he and he and he would be forgotten but it would be okay! He had the flame he didn’t care that they hated him not anymore, not today he didn’t care **not fucking today** and if the flame couldn’t carry him he had music. He had the tunes of Twenty One Pilots and My Chemical Romance. He closed his eyes and covered his ears and started breathing rapidly, “They can sooth me to sleep when no one else will.”

**_HOW CAN THEY NOT SEE MY SUFFERING AND MY BREAKING ~~because they don’t fucking care enough~~_ **


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long.

Soothe him to sleep on his black bed was what that music would do, and while Anxiety had his mixtape playing, he slept for hours. But it wasn’t a peaceful sleep; no it could never be that easy. Whimpers escaped his mouth. His brow was furrowed, and his eyes were closed tightly. His face was filled with fear and stress, and sweat began to gather on Anxiety’s hair. A few shaky gasps and breaths were let out and he suddenly sat up and began breathing hard. _Oh Fuck no no no, not again, this is not happening again fuck fuck fuck_ And Anxiety started hyperventilating and his hands were shaking and his thoughts spinning wildly through his mind. “N-not another attack. P-please n-no….” he whispered to whatever higher power was out there. ~~Yes, another attack. It’s what is deserved. Fucking disappointment.~~ “N-no,” he cried. But the darkness was too encapsulating. It was taking over every inch of his mind for this moment and swirling around in the darkness were those horrendous, horrible thoughts that hissed at him. _~~You could’ve done better. You could’ve been good before, if you were you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. You’re the biggest damn disappointment in the world, you’re a disease, YOU’RE A-~~_ Anxiety stopped his negativity before it could continue, because Anxiety already knew what was going to be told. And it was something he never wants to hear or think.

In his panic, Anxiety forgot. He forgot how to breathe and how to move. His hands stopped their violent tremors and instead froze in place. He wasn’t hyperventilating anymore. Instead, his body wouldn’t breathe until he absolutely needed the oxygen of Thomas’s mind. Tears were streaming down Anxiety’s face, they were cascading like waterfalls, as he tried to block his mind from saying the word. He let out sobs that he tried to stifle by biting into his lip. Alas, his efforts were not fruitful as Anxiety’s negativity took over and finished. _~~MISTAKE. YOU’RE A FUCKING MISTAKE.~~_ A broken voice echoed through the room, “I’m a mistake. I’m a mistake. Oh god, I’m a fucking mistake. I shouldn’t exist. Not after everything I’ve done wrong. I’m a mistake. I’m such a mistake.” The mantra was broken by more sobs wracking Anxiety’s body and the metallic taste of blood poured into his mouth and stained his teeth red from how hard he had bit his lip. Anxiety cried and went through cycles of shaking and hyperventilation, and freezing and not breathing. It felt like hours, days, weeks, months, that he was left in this panic attack. The reality was it had only been 15 minutes since when he woke. And after another 15 minutes of the excruciating torture of his panic, he slowly calmed down as his adrenaline stomped pumping so fast. The panic attack ceased, and Anxiety was left with exhaustion.

Anxiety sprawled out on his bed and let his last few remaining tears fall as he stared into nothing. He blinked, and used the teleportation ability of the sides to take himself to the bathroom of his bedroom. There lied his candle and his matches. He eyed the two items. With Anxiety’s mind clouded by pain and fear, he took the box of matches into his hand.

 _Please, let this…_ He took a match out of the box. _…be enough to…_ He struck the match and it lit up in a bright flame. _…distract me…_ He set the flame of the match to the wick of the candle. _…from the…_ He rolled up his sleeve, and Anxiety placed his arm atop the fire. _…emotional pain._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, “Some people self-harm because the physical pain is easier to handle than the emotional pain.”   
> Don't self harm kiddos  
> You're stronger than you know


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty darn dark.

Anxiety teleported himself back to his bed, he was tired, and his arm hurt, but at least the flame had helped quell his panic. He laid down and stared at the dark ceiling and just thought. _So I know the other sides all think I’m awful to Thomas. ~~It’s true.~~ And then I tried to be more positive, but the others still didn’t like me. ~~You’re too awful to ever be redeemed.~~ And now I realized what I should’ve known from the beginning. What Princey was obviously trying to say in-between the lines. What I should’ve known since I started existing. _ “…That I’m a mistake,” Anxiety said in a defeated tone. “I was never meant to be a part of Thomas.” _~~Ooooooh, look who’s finally listening to his negativity.~~_  Anxiety closed his eyes and sighed. “Maybe I should just stay away from the others as much as possible. I’ll only leave my room for food and water, and if anyone summons me out.” _~~But let’s be real. Why would anyone want to summon **you** out?~~_   Anxiety rubbed his eyes, and started to drift off to sleep: the exhaustion from the panic attack was settling in.

+

Logan teleported to the commons, the area shared by all the sides in Thomas’s mind, and started pacing around. He was deep in thought as he rubbed his left arm, for a dull ache was persistent. Logan knew the ache felt exactly the same as the previous two times Patton, Roman, and he himself felt it. All Logan needed was for Patton and Roman to confirm that it wasn’t them who had gotten hurt for the first part of Logan’s theory to be true. Logan had an idea of what was the cause for Anxiety’s hurt, and he did not like it.

When both Patton and Roman had teleported into the commons, they gave each other and Logan a knowing look that communicated, _‘It wasn’t me.’_ With a sigh, Logan began explaining what he thought was happening to Anxiety.

“At first, I believed what Anxiety had said. I believed that he had tripped into a candle. The second time, I was confused about why the ache in our arms felt exactly the same: If it was something that didn’t have to do with fire, then it would feel different. After I heard from you two that you weren’t the source of the injury, and Anxiety hadn’t come to tell us about the injury, I began to think up possibilities for what could’ve happened. But I didn’t take this second injury seriously enough. I had believed it to be just a coincidence. After all, the saying goes, ‘Once is an incident, twice is a coincidence, and three times is a pattern.’ But it hit me when the ache returned to my arm for the third. And you guys won’t like what I have to say. I’ve been apprehensive about saying it, and it’s why I digressed this much already.”

Patton looked worried and said, “Logan, just say whatever it is even if it’s something bad. Especially, if it’s something bad. We have to be there for Anxiety!”

Logan finally solemnly uttered, “My theory is that I think that Anxiety is… self-harming. With fire.”

Roman looked appalled and declared, “Are you sure? Why would Anxiety do such a thing?”

“No, I am not sure. I need to confirm this theory, and if this is correct, Anxiety will most likely deny any questioning. The only other way I can confirm this, is with the help of you guys. Roman, I’ll need you to conjure up a lighter. I’ll also need you two to pay attention to the feeling in your arms.”

“What are you saying Logan?” Patton inquired.

Logan gulped, “I’m seeing if Anxiety is self-harming with fire by trying it myself.”


	6. Chapter 6

“Logan that’s absurd! Seeing if Anxiety is self-harming with fire by trying it yourself is a mistake! The feeling could be the same, but you don’t know if self-harm is the cause!” Roman shouted.

“Yes, I do know that self-harm is the cause. Before you and Patton arrived here in the commons, I was doing some thinking, and no matter by what I tried to refute it by, self-harm, as saddening as it may be, seemed to be the only plausible option of what is happening to Anxiety,” Logan replied.

“I won’t make you the lighter!” Roman yelled once more, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Logan, I agree with Roman. This doesn’t seem like a very wise thing to do…,” Patton spoke in a much calmer tone.

“I know it’s bad, but it’s the only thing that seems to be true. It’s the only thing that I think could be happening. And this is the only way to prove it. Now Roman, make me the lighter.”

“No. I’m not going to let you hurt yourself,” Roman sauntered up to Logan, “You said it yourself, if this is the only thing you think could be true, then we should confront Anxiety about it,” Roman poked Logan’s chest, “Right now.”

Logan pushed Roman’s hand away and stared him down as he spoke. “I _think_ it’s the only plausible answer, but I could be dead wrong if when I do it to myself, it feels different on your arms. Even the slightest difference in the feeling could hopefully disprove this. And if we go up to Anxiety and accuse him of this and we’re wrong, that’s going to be awful for him.”

Patton came closer to Logan used his dad voice now, “Logan. You are not going to do this.”

Roman chimed in, “And do you think Anxiety will like it when he finds out what you plan to do?”

Logan closed his eyes, sighed, and massaged his temples. He let himself think for some time before he responded. “You guys are right. What was I thinking?”

Patton placed a hand on Logan’s shoulder. “You were worried, that’s all. Now c’mon, let’s go to Anxiety.”

“He doesn’t respond well to being confronted and you know that.”

“Then we won’t confront him, or immediately talk to him about self-harm. We can just be there for him, so if it is true, he can tell us on his own time.”

“It’s highly unlikely he would tell anyone about self-harming, if I am right.”

“Then if it happens again, we’ll talk to him about it.”

Roman interrupted Patton and Logan’s conversation. He was glancing at the floor, and looked much too unconfident for being the ego as he spoke. “If we really are going to talk to him now, perhaps I should go first and apologize for the things that happened in our last fight. It escalated much worse than our usual arguments,” Roman paused and looked at the other to personas with guilt-ridden eyes, “I can’t help but think: did I do this to Anxiety? Was I the cause for all this?”

Patton and Logan looked at each other contemplatively until Logan turned back to Roman and finally responded. “We all are the cause for this. We’ve all said some regrettable things to Anxiety,” Logan looked to Roman now, “And not all of us have accepted him as a fellow persona. Perhaps the fight is what pushed him over the edge. And even if Anxiety isn’t self-harming, we need to talk to him and apologize for everything.”

Patton spoke now, “It’s awful that it’s taken us this long to realize this.”

Roman squared his shoulders and looked up more confidently now as he said, “Alas, we shall wait no longer! I will go to Anxiety right now!” Roman teleported out of the commons, and to the door that lead to Anxiety’s room. He let his façade of confidence drop for a moment as he collected his thoughts. Roman was pensive as he reflected on all of his and Anxiety’s quarrels. He inwardly cringed as he realized how awful he had been to the other side. He shook his head, and brought his regal air back to him. Roman took a breath, and knocked on the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey btw since i started writing this fic before accepting anxiety ill be ignoring most of the canon that came from there

Roman softly rapped on Anxiety’s door. He waited for a few minutes, but got no response. He knocked once more. Still, there was no response and the only thing Roman could hear through the door was the faint sound of PG-13 music. He sighed, and knocked once more. “Anxiety? Are you in there? Is everything alright?” Anxiety’s domain was already beginning to affect Roman as his thoughts started to spiral towards worst case scenarios. _Oh my goodness, what if Logan was right? What if he is hurting himself and he’s ignoring me? I have to go in there and help him!_ “Sorry for the violation of personal space, emo mess,” Roman spoke under his breath. He knocked once more and after another response met with silence, he vociferated, “Anxiety, if you won’t open up, I will enter!” Roman kicked down the door, and was met with a groggy Anxiety who had just begun to wake up, clearly disgruntled from the noise Roman was making.

 

Anxiety sat up and peered at Roman, and rubbed his eyes. He blinked, shook his head, and rubbed his eyes again. When Anxiety opened his eyes again and still saw Roman there, he mumbled, “What the…?”   
Roman cleared his throat and tentatively said, “Uh Anxiety? Is everything alright? Why are you shaking your head like that? Wait, don’t go back to sleep! I’m sorry I entered your room like this but-”

Roman was cut off by Anxiety’s head hitting his pillow and his slurred words. “Yerrr notrealll. ’mjust dreamin’ is allll. G’night, Princeyyy.”

Roman started walking towards Anxiety’s bed. “Wait, Anxiety, please don’t go back to sleep. I’m real. And… I want to talk to you. Er, by that I mean, I-I want to apologize. I was so horrible to you in our last fight—in all our fights.”

“Hmmmm, now I realllly know yerr not reallll. The _real_ Princey would nevvver apologize to meeee… Ya wanna knowww whyyyy dreamprince? It’s cuz I’mmm so darn awful. I do nothng good for Tho-mas. I just cause him paaiin, dreamyprinceguy.”

Roman was now where Anxiety was curled up on his bed. Roman knelt down and kissed Anxiety’s forehead, as pangs of guilt wracked his being. Roman started to tear up and was on the verge of hyperventilation. He knew he wouldn’t last much longer in the room without being corrupted. Romans voice slightly trembled as he spoke, “Oh Anxiety…, we’ll talk later. I must be off now.” Unable to teleport himself out now, Roman all but ran to the exit. He took one last sorrowful glance at Anxiety before he stepped outside and shut the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys liked it!  
> (i cant believe i actually had to take a break while writing this bc of the angst was too much, this chapter isnt even that angsty)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the erattic updating

Anxiety watched Roman leave the room, and closed his eyes, falling back asleep. He woke up a few hours later surprised by how peaceful his rest was. Anxiety lied in bed for a few minutes with a small smile, as he tried to pinpoint exactly what made him sleep so well. He flipped through his memories when he remembered Princey coming into his room and all that Anxiety had revealed to Princey. Anxiety’s eyes widened and he groaned as his breath picked up and his thoughts spiraled away like always: _Oh god, was that real or not? Was that really a dream? Please, please, whatever higher power there is out there let that be a dream. Oh god, now I’m going to have to go talk to Roman to see what happened. Oh no. Oh no._ _No no no no no no, god no, give me sign, damnit! If I don’t know what happened I’m going to keep panicking about this until I go talk to Roman. Fuck! Ugh no no no And if I don’t sort this out, I might end up making Thomas too anxious because I’m too anxious and the it’ll be bad bad bad bad **bad**! _

Anxiety sat up on his bed and whispered to himself, “Deep breaths, deep breaths, calm down, I know I’ve gotta avoid the other sides but I don’t think this will hurt too much. It’s for the greater good: to stop Thomas from being anxious. So, take deep breaths. Breathe in and out. It’ll be fine.”

Anxiety teleported to the bathroom to put on his makeup and fix his appearance. He steeled himself as he thought of Roman until he felt his location. He teleported to Roman and was surprised to find Logan and Patton there too— _damn, I should’ve checked where the others were_ —and the three were having a conversation… about Anxiety?

“-tremly bad effects on Anxiety! Oh, hi kiddo! I haven’t seen you in a bit! We weren’t talking about you.” Logan glared at Patton for his ending statement.

Anxiety looked between Patton, Logan, and Roman with eyes filled with panic. He tried to say something, but didn’t know what, so he ended up stuttering over a few mismatched words. Anxiety made a motion of pointing back to his room and moved to teleport out when Roman sprang forward and grabbed Anxiety’s wrist.

“Wait, don’t go!” Roman yelled.

“I- Uh, W-why?”

Roman’s tone became softer and more solemn when he said, “Because, Anxiety, I am so sorry. I was apologizing before, but you were half asleep. I don’t think you remember what happened, but from what you told me I must apologize in the most grand manner because I have so greatly messed up. “

Anxiety gulped. So he did say those things. “O-ok,” he squeaked.

Roman continued his guilt ridden apology, still holding onto to Anxiety, while Patton and Logan just watched. “Anxiety, I have been so awful to you. I had no right to say any of those insulting things I've said to you. I’ve been a horrible, horrendous facet, and I am so truly sorry. As much as I wish I could, I cannot take back what I’ve said to you and how that’s hurt you. I have no excuses.”

Anxiety looked at the floor and spoke as soft as the rustle of a feather, “You don’t have to lie for me. ‘Specially since I’m so, well, me…” Anxiety didn’t expect anyone to hear what he said, so he finally pulled himself out of Roman’s grasp with tears welling in his eyes and teleported out.


	9. Chapter 9

Anxiety sighed as he appeared back in his room. Why would Roman try to trick him like this? How could Logan and Patton be okay with it? Nothing was making sense. Unless… unless…. Roman was telling the truth? ~~Don’t kid yourself. After all this time, you think he would really care now? Remember the dinner you had with them? They don’t give a crap about you. And don’t forget, you’re a Mistake.~~ Anxiety flopped on his bed and groaned. _But if I’m a mistake, why would Roman even care enough to make a fake apology?_ Anxiety shook his head and mumbled, “I can’t understand this. I guess I’ll just… keep holing myself up in this room.”

~~While you’re here, why not play with fire again?~~

_Shut up._

~~Instead of shutting up, you should definitely light a match.~~

“Shut up…,” Anxiety whispered.

~~Take that match, and light the candle.~~

“Shut up!” Anxiety said, more forcefully.

~~Burn your arm. Do it!~~

“NO,” Anxiety yelled. “I’m not- I can’t do it again. It’s _wrong_. I need to stop thinking like this! I gotta burn up this _negativity_ , not myself…”

+

“Oh goodness. What have I done? How have I messed up _this_ badly?” Roman sighed as Patton placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Roman, this wasn’t a failure. It wasn’t optimal either, but at least Anxiety listened to you, and is probably taking this into consideration right now, on his own,” Logan stated matter-of-factly. Roman felt uncertain of Logan’s deduction. It just didn’t make sense.  Anxiety had already expressed that he didn’t believe what Roman had said so why would he be taking it into consideration.

“Logan, how could he be taking what I said into consideration when Anxiety said that I don’t have to lie for him, because he’s himself?” Roman finally asked.

“I believe he may be trying to figure out if it was the truth or not since Patton and I were present. He does seem to trust us more, and this all spiraled out of control because of the last fight you two had,” Logan answered. Roman covered his face with his hands and groaned.

“I know. Okay, I know this is my fault, and I know I made the biggest, worst mistake, and I can’t even fix it.”

“No Roman. You are wrong. This can be fixed. And I also take partial blame for being a bystander, and also saying insulting words to Anxiety. This is not all on you,” Logan said.

“I also feel like it’s on me cuz I didn’t really stick up for him too much either, and I was never there to comfort him. But Logan, I don’t think he’s taking Roman’s apology. Remember when we all had dinner together last? I know ya thought it would be good to give the kiddo some space, and Roman was ignorin Anxiety from guilt after we lectured him, but now that I think ‘bout it, I don’t think that was the best approach. He might think we don’t care about him,” Patton speculated.

“When did he get so insightful?” Logan said under his breath.

Patton continued his rigmarole with a final message, “The most important thing to do right now is to show him that we do care about him. _All_ of us.”

+

“I gotta figure out how to stop being so addicted to the fire,” Virgil mumbled.

~~No you don’t~~

“I know I’m a mistake, but it’s not healthy and I mean, Princey had a point. If I keep going on like this, then I could end up ruining Thomas.”

~~You’ll never be able to stop no matter what you do.~~

“Logan might know a way. I could ask him…”

~~And let him be disgusted by you once he finds out what you’ve done?~~

“They already don’t like me. What more harm could this do?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaha updating regularly sure is my forte!


	10. Chapter 10

Logan tossed aside his book and opened the door when a knock was heard on the other side. He was surprised when he saw which trait stood at the door, especially because this trait immediately started a stuttered stream of sorry’s .

“Anxiety, it’s okay,” Logan said reassuringly. “You don’t need to apologize for wanting to ask me something, and you are certainly not a bother.” Logan’s eyes widened slightly when he saw the shock fall upon Anxiety’s face from that statement. He knew how Anxiety felt about himself, but to witness it firsthand was really something else. Well, Logan would just have to show Anxiety just how much he was cared about until their interaction ended. Logan moved aside from the doorway and gestured for Anxiety to enter the room. “Come on in. It’s always great to help answer one of your questions, no matter how absurd,” Logan paused as his mind briefly recounted the occasion in which Anxiety had asked _If the black market’s a marketplace, how does it spread all over the world?_ “Imparting new knowledge is always a pleasure.” Anxiety stumbled into the room and made a move to sit on Logan’s bed, but jerked away and went for the floor instead. Logan joined the darker side and sat across from him, waiting for the question.

“R-Remember those psychology videos you showed me? Well, I-I was thinking a-about the videos, and there- there was one about uh, it was about anxiety, depression, and self-harm. So like, my question is, and they didn’t t-talk about this in the videos either, but like, if some person out there were to self-harm, what- how would they stop? It feels like an addiction. I mean, that’s what they said in the video. It’s an addiction. Yeahhh,” Anxiety rambled apprehensively, averting his eyes from Logan’s gaze the entire time, and hoping with everything he had that Logan, the genius that he was, wouldn’t connect the dots to Anxiety being the one self-harming. Sure, he thought the other sides despised him so their disgusted reactions to him self-harming wouldn’t matter, but Logan was being so kind. And it was one thing for Roman to apologize, or whatever that was, but _this?_ This was a whole new territory. Logan kept his face as neutral as possible as he pondered for what to say. Anxiety had, in a roundabout way, possibly confessed to self-harming, but he wants to stop. Should he ask if Anxiety is self-harming? How should he measure his reaction so that Anxiety knows further questions are allowed and getting better is a good thing?

“You are correct that it is an addiction. There was a study about addiction by Bruce Alexander, a professor of Psychology in Vancouver, and the results showed that if there is healthy human connection, addiction will stop. And while this was about drug addiction, it may still apply. One could also call a hotline, distract themself, wait out the urge, and remove self-harming tools from their living space. Now take what I say lightly, because I am no psychologist. I also learned through the internet, but hopefully you now have a general idea of how someone could stop,” Logan said, as he opted for a calm tone and an inquisitive expression, that asked _Anxiety, is it you that self-harms_?

Anxiety hurriedly and stiffly said, “Okay. Thanks. Bye,” as he got up and begun to walk towards the exit.

Seeing his departure, Logan expressed his concern. “Anxiety, if anything is wrong, anything at all, don’t be afraid to come to me. My door is always open for you, and I care about you. Good luck.” Anxiety stopped moving, and seemed to  be struggling with what to do for a minute, until he finally decided to just keep walking out with a “Sure, Logan” as his only acknowledgement of what was just said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> w o a h double digit chapters.   
> fun fact: i had asked my friends the black market question lol  
> important fact: like logan, i am not a psychologist and i got all the info from the internet. if u are struggling with selfharm, go to a professional. please.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn a chapter exactly a month later   
> (already workin on the next one!!)

Anxiety tried to stop. He really did. But like always the thoughts and panic consumed him, and he spiraled and fell into the abyss of his darker emotions, and got locked in the pit until he brought some light in the form of a flame to his skin.

Every thought in his system was screaming at him, which only made him press the candle that he swore he was going to throw out, harder to his skin.

~~LOOK WHAT A DISSAPOINTEMENT TO LOGAN YOU ARE!~~

~~YOU KNEW YOU COULDN’T DO IT!~~

~~YOU CAN’T JUST QUIT ME!~~

~~LOGAN WAS SO KIND AND LOOOK WHAT YOU DID!~~

~~HOW COULD YOU!~~

~~YOU’RE AWFUL!~~

~~YOU DESERVE N O T H I N G!~~

~~YOU DESERVE ALL THE HATE THROWN AT YOU!~~

~~WHY ARE YOU SUCH ADISSAPOINTMENT!~~

Anxiety, like he did, cried himself to sleep once more.

Patton, like he did, rubbed the ache on his arm with worry, unknowing of what to do.

Roman, like he did, looked down at his aching arm with guilt washing through him, bringing tears to his eyes, and hating how he caused this, how he made Anxiety so broken.

Logan, like he did, bit his lip as he stared at his aching arm and did more research regarding self-harm. This time, however, Logan knew he was going to stop Anxiety. He was going to help Anxiety stop, because he came to Logan wanting to stop and fell straight back into the addictive cycle.

Logan didn’t tell the others what he was going to do. He didn’t want to be told that Anxiety was as delicate as glass and maybe we shouldn’t approach him head on, even though that was his original logic, his own idea. He was wrong. Anxiety wasn’t glass. He knew how to take care of himself. He knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew he needed to stop. And he may be fear, but he sure as hell is brave.

Logan took a deep breath and knocked sharply twice on Anxiety’s door. Logan started to feel the negativity claw against him and get pulled into the emotions of Anxiety.

Getting no answer, Logan rapped twice on the door again, but this time he heard a stifled sob.

“Anxiety?” Logan called, making sure he got consent to enter the room, “May I come in?” He heard another sob, and his empathy he didn’t know how to control started going haywire, as Logan started to cry too.

“I-I don’t know…,” Anxiety responded through the door his voice cracking from crying.

“May I stay out here?” Logan asked, sitting down against the door. Hearing that, Anxiety did the same on his side of the door.

“Y-Yeah, sure, whatever you want…”

“Anxiety, I need to know-”

“I’m sorry, Logan,” Anxiety sobbed, despair and guilt evident in his broken sounding voice, “I’m so sorry. I-I-I tried to stop, t-to be a good side, not be s-such a mistake, but I can’t even do s-something as simple as c-confess to the awful things I-I’ve done…”

“Anxiety, I promise you, you are a good side. You do your job. You keep Thomas safe. Stopping addiction, it’s hard Anxiety. Even if you tried, relapse is going to happen. But I’m proud of you for hard you’ve tried.”

“H-How can you say that? I-I’m _nothing_. I’m a _mistake._ I d-don’t even know why I-I’m telling you all this. You p-probably hate me now. I w-was just g-gonna stay away from you guys and not be a bother but I couldn’t even do that! I just had to go crawling to y-you for advice, a-and now look at me. I-I’m telling you all this! I-I’m just v-victimizing myself. T-There’s nothing actually wrong.” Tears started flowing out of Logan’s eyes, as the emotions he couldn’t understand were stomped on over and over and over again with each of Anxiety’s heart-wrenching words.

“How could you say that, Anxiety? How did you ever come to those conclusions? I know you are Anxiety, the embodiment of fear, but a mistake? Nothing? A bother? You are none of those things! And I am so sorry that no one noticed or stepped in or tried to be nice to you. I’m so sorry that even as we developed a friendship, I still didn’t stick up for you all the time. I’m so, so sorry. And Anxiety? Roman meant it. Every single word. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Neither Anxiety nor Logan said a word after that, but they stayed together, sitting next to each other through the door that separated them.


	12. Chapter 12

It was time. It was finally time. Anxiety was letting Logan in. Figuratively and literally. He took the doorknob and started to turn it. He breathed. His bangs shook as he moved his head. The squeak of the door knob sent a jolt of doubt through his spine. But hey—Anxiety already confessed how awful he was to Logan, and Logan at least had a front of caring about him, so what could go wrong? Lose all inhibitions! Be the opposite of yourself, Anxiety!

The door moved open too slowly and too fast. It met an abrupt stop when it hit Logan’s back. Well, if Logan wasn’t awake before, he sure was now.

“L-Logan? Wait, Logan! There’s so much eyeshadow on you! You don’t look like yourself! Get out of here! You’re corrupted!”

“No, Anxiety! I waited here all night for you! I am not leaving you now!” More tears started to wash out of Logan’s eyes, blurring the eyeshadow—the physical indicator that he was corrupted.

“Fine! I’ll come with you then, but you have to go!” Logan huffed, and blew his bangs out of his eyes with a puff of air. Logan took Anxiety’s hand and teleported the pair to his room. Both Logan and Anxiety started shaking with spinning minds until the anxiousness left their systems and was replaced with cool, hard, logical reasoning and thought. Logan sat on the clean couch in his room and motioned for Anxiety to come sit next to him. Anxiety walked over to Logan and sat perfectly straight next to him with a cool and clear mind coming from the effects of Logan’s room.

“So, what did you want Logan?” Anxiety asked.

“To help you have worth in yourself, and to help you stop hurting yourself. I’m no therapist, but as we can’t interact with humans aside for Thomas, I say the knowledge I’ve got is the best thing yet to help you out,” Logan said.

”Well, if it makes me… better… and lose my negativity… than sure,” Anxiety said, struggling to create a sentence as his negativity tried to fight against the rationale of Logan’s room. ~~anxiety isn’t anxiety without negativity~~ , it hissed quietly in the back of his mind. “…Shut up you,” Anxiety mumbled viciously. Logan furrowed an eyebrow.

“Who are you talking to, Anxiety? For, that exclamation does not seem to be aimed at me, considering the context of the conversation as a whole,” Logan said even more professionally and nerdy as his room tended to have that effect on him. Anxiety rubbed the back of his neck.

“The negativity… in my metaphorical mind… it’s almost like another person screaming at me… but I know it’s not, because they’re very clearly my own thoughts of my own being… and I can control them, yet… I let negativity consume me… because it’s easier than trying to pretend that everything is normal,” Anxiety said, admitting what’s been going on with him for however long he’s existed, admitting his problem with his self-destructive thinking, and finally, finally, admitting to himself that these thoughts are his own, and they can’t control him. He controls his negativity. And he is damn sure that with a little help from his friend, he’ll be able to learn how to do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took a while  
> comment if ur mad it took so long. or if ur not. i’m not picky.


End file.
